I recently got into a discussion with Mark Dennis, our web assistant, about space travel and how the thought of being stuck in a relatively limited space attached to many tons of highly explosive fuel and being projected into an infinite, frigid environment with no oxygen or life to speak of really doesn’t set well with me.  Well he has been bugging me ever since to blog about my fear of space travel.  So, here it goes:

First off, I am rather claustrophobic.  I do not like being in confined places.  Let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t plan on excavating any mines or caves anytime soon!

Secondly, I am apparently thanatophobic meaning I am afraid of dying (thanks phobialist.com!).  Call me crazy, but there’s just something about dying I am not in a hurry to experience!

And lastly, I suppose I have a touch of astrophobia which is a fear of stars or celestial space.  Granted, I am fascinated by the cosmos, but, at the same time, I am terrified of what lies out there.  I don’t mean hostile aliens or anything, but rather very realistic threats such as comets, meteors and other celestial phenomena that could obliterate life as we know it on Earth.

So, I am content keeping my twisted ass earthbound leaving things beyond our atmosphere alone and hoping like hell they do the same!  Ok, Mark, I hope you’re happy and you had better be the first to leave a comment!

And, no, this is NOT about my trip to the dentist Tuesday! 

I recently signed up for Blockbuster Total Access which is basically the Blockbuster version of Netflix only, with their version, you can trade out DVDs with local Blockbuster stores which is totally sweet!  I got my first three DVDs this week and went back and watched Batman Begins for the first time since I saw it in the theater.  I wasn’t a big fan of the grittier, more realistic feel to the new Batman franchise (I believe I mentioned that in my review of The Dark Knight), but since seeing the new film, I wanted to give the first another shot and I am glad I did!

I also got the new horror flick Teeth which I watched last night.  As if I needed another reason to swear women off, I had to sit and watch a film about an extremely chaste teenage girl dealing with her budding sexuality - and the mythical phenomenon known as vagina dentata meaning she has razor-sharp teeth embedded in her womanhood!  Jess Weixler did a great job portraying the homely yet oddly attractive lead character Dawn who is very innocent yet curious about her newfound sexual urges.  She discovers her malicious deformity when she is assaulted sexually by her love interest Tobey.

She then makes the next obvious move and goes to see a gynecologist with more tragic results.  She then seeks solace in the arms of another male admirer only to be taken advantage of by him which, of course, turns out to be a bad move on his ‘part’ (pardon the pun)!  After all this, and a devastating family tragedy, she ‘evolves’ from a sweet, innocent symbol of purity to a vengeful vixen complete with fangs in her nether regions!  I think I’m gonna abstain myself until they invent chain mail condoms!  LOL!!!

Teeth  \m/  \m/  \m/  \m/

This weekend it became painfully clear to me that I am losing touch with the outside world.  Not with what’s going on in the world, but with people in general.  All my life I have always been someone of a loner.  No, I wasn’t the quiet kid everyone was afraid was going to just snap and go on a shooting rampage (remember I went to school before Columbine and related incidents).  I have always been rather outgoing associating with many but getting close to very few.  Even my best friend I am not very close with being he lives in Atlanta and we both lead very busy lives.

Since college, I have really only been close with someone if I was in a (romantic) relationship.  Having just come out of a year-long relationship back in May, I have, until recently, maintained a close friendship with my ex Rebecca.  Now that we are no longer on speaking terms, I feel very isolated from other people.  I even had a lady friend stay with me most of the weekend after meeting up with her and some friends at the PARMALEE show at the Handlebar Friday night.  At first it was great having some female companionship, but, on Saturday, I started withdrawing inward into my own twisted little world.

Yesterday, I went and had lunch with my mom and aunt (yes, the infamous Aunt Pat!) as I do nearly every Sunday, but it was rather short as I went to meet my friend Robbie at Guitar Center.  I grabbed a couple of guitar stands for ten bucks and we rode over to Jack in the Box so he could grab something to eat and we could catch up being he has been spending a lot of time at home with his wife and kids.  We sat and talked and even in that brief amount of time I started to feel alienated.  I’m not sure what it is exactly.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that I can’t identify with his lifestyle as a family man.  Not that there is anything wrong with it, I just can’t identify with it.  Even my cousin Ray, with whom I have been fairly close with all of our lives, is now married and expecting his firstborn son in less than a month.

I have always made the lighthearted observation that I am like the Muppets character Gonzo in that you really don’t know what he is being he is just some oddball character who loves putting on a show.  Of course, you would later find out he is really an alien in Muppets From Space.  Many people think I am just like Animal with my crazy red hair and even crazier spastic persona, but the truth is that Gonzo truly is the one I relate to the most with my sense of (no pun intended) alienation.

Maybe I just need to continue to draw inward and attempt to really discover myself and keep my public and private self as two different entities.  However, I will not hide my private self because I don’t believe in hiding anything.  Which is why I am writing this.  I am labelling this as another chapter of ‘Words of Twisdom’ even though there really aren’t any words of wisdom here, just an educated observation of myself.  Which is what further confuses me about my lifelong isolation.  I am one of the most open, honest people you will ever meet which are qualities you would think people would flock to.  But, then again, a lot of people can’t handle honesty.  To quote good ol’ Jack Nicholson, “You can’t handle the truth!”  Plus, I do have to be guarded because I meet some ‘interesting’ people being I am broadcasted almost daily over open airwaves with the push of nearly 100,000 watts.  Sadly, as I result, I end up avoiding some potentially valuable relationships.

However, for the time being, I am going to continue my routine of getting the job done then rewarding myself by making time for myself.  And now I have a new incentive to do so being I just got my Marvel and DC Comics encyclopedias from Amazon.com on Friday.  There’s a reason they put a big smile on their boxes!  And they should keep me preoccupied until something else comes along!

I don’t know what the deal is, but for some odd reason I cannot meet a dependable woman.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not looking for a relationship, but living alone gets lonely and it’s good to have a woman’s companionship from time to time.  Anyways, it seems like every time I turn around I run into a female that either stands me up with no phone call or simply doesn’t do what they say they will.  And, if I do speak to them again, there is almost always some outrageous excuse like, say, they got their phone stolen by a pack of rabid ferrets or some crap like that and they expect you to buy it.  God forbid you call them out on it, because they’ll get defensive and try to make you believe you’re the most selfish and inconsiderate bastard that ever walked the Earth.

I am truly sick of it!  And it’s been happening to me as far back as high school!  Why do they do it?  What is the motivation here?  What do they have to gain by pulling these stunts?  Is it some crazed power trip they try to have over men?  I mean if you don’t want to have anything to do with a guy, why not just tell him?  I mean I can handle upfront outright rejection over getting led on.  Gentlemen, why do we put up with this?  Ladies, what’s your deal?

Ideally, relationships are meant to bring the best out of two people.  However, in many cases, the opposite is true.  Most, if not all, of us at one point or another, meet someone that brings the worst out of us.  Many of us meet several in our lifetimes.  I am certainly no exception.

In college, I met a girl from Florida named Elena whose parents were from Puerto Rico.  We hit it off immediately and got along great…..for a whole weekend.  She being a college freshman (I being a sophomore at the time) she wanted to date around which was understandable - except for the fact she kept going after my friends and then ran back to me after getting shot down.  This went on for a whole semester with her last pursuit being my first cousin and bandmate Ray.  This was too much for me to handle but still I wanted her.

Christmas break came and we went back home - me to Greenville and Elena to Florida.  She began writing me like every other day (this was just before the internet and email took off) and she’d ask about Ray.  At this time was when Ray and his now wife Erin began dating.  Needless to say Elena was crushed, but bounced back by claiming to have ‘come to her senses’ and realizing that she only wanted me.  Of course, to me at that time, this was wonderful news!

So, when we returned to Winthrop the next semester, we began our hot ‘n’ heavy relationship with the both of us quickly losing our virginities (yes, I was a virgin until I was 19).  However, it wasn’t just our passion that was hot ‘n’ heavy - our fighting became quite notorious as we would sometimes fight clear across campus.  That woman pulled elements out of me that no other woman ever has (and hopefully never will).

After dating for three semesters (roughly a year and a half), Elena broke up with me during summer break while she was taking summer classes at Winthrop to, again, pursue other relationships.  So our relationship had come full circle and my heart was severely broken.  Was she worth my time in the first place?  Surely not, but that didn’t matter because my heart often overrides the functions of my brain.  That and my libido!

The only other person to have ever caused as much grief and heartache would be my most recent ex-girlfriend Rebecca.  When I first met her, she was living in Savannah so I kept my distance because I’ve had enough bad experiences with long distance relationships.  We kept in touch through MySpace although she dodged any proposal of meeting up.  Finally one day she actually called me and we began talking and I learned that she was moving back to Greenville.

She was in town for a couple of weeks prior to her actual move and we went out and hit it off…..for about a month.  Hey, I admit, that was longer than Elena!  We started dating officially after only a week and then she was back in Savannah.  Almost immediately after our first date, her ‘best friend’ which also happened to be her ex-boyfriend, started in trying to sabotage the relationship by pulling various stunts.  Rebecca, of course, just tried to dismiss his actions because she valued him as a friend even to the point of it jeopardizing our relationship.

At first, I rolled with it as best I could because I really felt Rebecca and I had real potential.  However, their relationship obviously made me very insecure in our relationship and, after about a month, it started to take its toll.  Over the next six months, she broke up with me at least half a dozen times.

To make matters worse, when she returned to Greenville and bought her first house, I would drop by to see her to find her ex there - and sometimes at late hours!  I would walk in and nothing would be going on, but Rebecca would be visibly startled to see me and then be quick to get defensive when I made my accusatory conclusions.  Do I think there was anything going on?  Actually no, I really do believe that Rebecca is just too nice a person to see the harm in certain things and certain people.  To this day I don’t believe she sees her ex for who he really is.

Late last year, I did some probing and found some inappropriate things, not necessarily physical, about their relationship and brought it to her attention.  That encounter did not go well at all, but I think it actually sobered the girl up just a bit.  Over the holidays we slowly patched things up and took our last run of the relationship after the new year.  She put her friendship with her ex aside and we had a fairly decent run for a few months.

Back in March, we took our first (and consequently only) vacation together as we went to Savannah for St. Patty’s Day weekend and then went down to Orlando.  During that time, it became painfully obvious to me that I was growing tired of the relationship largely due to our lack of communication.  I still loved her very much, but, despite all the time we were spending together, we never really talked.  Obviously I am open about EVERYTHING!  Rebecca, on the other hand, is not.  She is content with letting things slide instead of addressing them.  I am much more confrontational.  I love to talk.  She prefers to just sit quietly with her significant other and say very little.

Granted, there is nothing wrong with either trait, but those traits make our personalities almost irreversibly incompatible.  So, at Spring Fling this year, we had our final fight as a couple.  She had a friend pick her up in Spartanburg and we officially ended the relationship that night.  After being together off and on for right at a year, neither of us wanted to just say goodbye.  Of course, Rebecca is obviously used to being friends with her exes in the first place.

So, we tried seeing each other as friends.  Well, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog right now had that plan worked out.  As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure Rebecca is not going to be happy that this blog is being written as I am sure she will be reading it.  However, I am actually not doing this for the sheer intent of upsetting her in any way though I’d be lying if I said I had not the slightest bit of ill will.

The fact is that Rebecca has a good heart and I truly believe that.  However, my friend Mikey summed it very well in saying that she has her priorities straight when it comes to her job and finances but tends to let her friends come at a distant second.  This consequently makes her somewhat unreliable as she rarely does what she says she will do - well at least in the time frame she says she will.  Me, I am punctual and prompt in nearly every way - at least when it counts considering I am late to the office almost every day but, hey, I get the job done!

Again, this difference in traits has made it virtually impossible for us to coexist as friends.  At least as close as we had been until recently.  Her inability to do as she promises to had finally reached the breaking point for me.  So I demanded the key to my apartment back after telling her off.

Instead of giving it to me in person, she took it upon herself to enter my apartment yesterday while I was making my weekly visit to see my mom and aunt, took her bridesmaid dress she had left after a wedding and slid the key back under the door after locking up.  Needless to say, I was furious when I got home at the fact that she had entered my apartment after I had told her to return my key.  Being an assistant manager at an apartment community, she knew that there was nothing I could do legally, but how does reflect upon her especially considering her profession?

I am honestly baffled by her recent actions as they do not seem to come from the same person I have cared about for so long.  Ultimately, that is the inspiration for writing this blog as it makes me reflect upon not only this relationship which was doomed from the beginning, but all of my doomed relationships in the past, only one of which I spotlighted for relevance.  It is also the reason I have made a new blog category called “Words of Twisdom” as I am hoping to share the lessons I have learned in the past.  Hell, who am I kidding, I just hope I learn from my past mistakes!  If you gained any insight from this or have something to share yourself, feel free to leave your own thoughts - granted they’re not as ‘twisted’ as mine!

And since I’m talking about doomed relationships, you can see just how ‘bad’ your girlfriend is by taking the “Bad Girlfriend” survey here.

…and I’ll bitch if I want to!  Especially since my birthday had to fall on a Monday!  Damn leap year!  I didn’t want to get out of bed as usual, but I did and, as I was getting ready and brushing my hair, I noticed the bald spot in the back of my head felt bigger.  I took a pic with my camera phone raised over my head and, sure enough, it is!  I have to find some sort of solution or shave my head!  I love my hair!  I don’t want to lose it all at 32!

Then, I get to work and discover that most, if not all, of Upstate Unsigned somehow got lost and did not air last night.  That was really disheartening because I put a lot of work into that show each week using up a good part of my weekends!  Hopefully this day will get better as I am on the air now!

This weekend, however, was pretty good as I spent a good part of it celebrating my upcoming birthday.  I took it easy for the most part Friday, but rushed home after work Saturday to clean my apartment before guests started arriving for my birthday party.  Rebecca got there first as she was coordinating the fiesta and brought the Jell-O shots and various liquors.  She also helped me put the finishing touches on straightening my apartment and vacuumed for me. 

My brother Anthony showed up while Becca was out getting snacks for the party.  I was in the shower and he let himself in which scared the crap outta me when I heard someone in my apartment!  At least he made up for startling me by hooking up my DVD player in the spare bedroom and discovering that I have extended cable - and apparently have the whole year I’ve lived there!  The turnout was great and Rebecca was an excellent hostess as she always is!  I knew there was a reason I kept her around after we broke up!  LOL!!!

Sunday I tried unsuccessfully to sleep in, so I got up and enjoyed my newly discovered world of cable television since I had been going on DVDs for over a year!  At three, I met my mom, Aunt Pat and Anthony at Cracker Barrel where I had their awesome blueberry pancakes being that was all I could stomach as I was feeling some adverse effects from the party.  We then went and caught the 4:40 showing of The Dark Knight at Hollywood 20.

Afterwards, I ran back to the station to put Upstate Unsigned together with one of my Twisted Toddy co-hosts, Jessica.  Of course, we all know how futile that was!  Oh well, technical difficulties do arise!  What can you do other than roll with it?