ISOLATION
This weekend it became painfully clear to me that I am losing touch with the outside world. Not with what’s going on in the world, but with people in general. All my life I have always been someone of a loner. No, I wasn’t the quiet kid everyone was afraid was going to just snap and go on a shooting rampage (remember I went to school before Columbine and related incidents). I have always been rather outgoing associating with many but getting close to very few. Even my best friend I am not very close with being he lives in Atlanta and we both lead very busy lives.
Since college, I have really only been close with someone if I was in a (romantic) relationship. Having just come out of a year-long relationship back in May, I have, until recently, maintained a close friendship with my ex Rebecca. Now that we are no longer on speaking terms, I feel very isolated from other people. I even had a lady friend stay with me most of the weekend after meeting up with her and some friends at the PARMALEE show at the Handlebar Friday night. At first it was great having some female companionship, but, on Saturday, I started withdrawing inward into my own twisted little world.
Yesterday, I went and had lunch with my mom and aunt (yes, the infamous Aunt Pat!) as I do nearly every Sunday, but it was rather short as I went to meet my friend Robbie at Guitar Center. I grabbed a couple of guitar stands for ten bucks and we rode over to Jack in the Box so he could grab something to eat and we could catch up being he has been spending a lot of time at home with his wife and kids. We sat and talked and even in that brief amount of time I started to feel alienated. I’m not sure what it is exactly. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I can’t identify with his lifestyle as a family man. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I just can’t identify with it. Even my cousin Ray, with whom I have been fairly close with all of our lives, is now married and expecting his firstborn son in less than a month.
I have always made the lighthearted observation that I am like the Muppets character Gonzo in that you really don’t know what he is being he is just some oddball character who loves putting on a show. Of course, you would later find out he is really an alien in Muppets From Space. Many people think I am just like Animal with my crazy red hair and even crazier spastic persona, but the truth is that Gonzo truly is the one I relate to the most with my sense of (no pun intended) alienation.
Maybe I just need to continue to draw inward and attempt to really discover myself and keep my public and private self as two different entities. However, I will not hide my private self because I don’t believe in hiding anything. Which is why I am writing this. I am labelling this as another chapter of ‘Words of Twisdom’ even though there really aren’t any words of wisdom here, just an educated observation of myself. Which is what further confuses me about my lifelong isolation. I am one of the most open, honest people you will ever meet which are qualities you would think people would flock to. But, then again, a lot of people can’t handle honesty. To quote good ol’ Jack Nicholson, “You can’t handle the truth!” Plus, I do have to be guarded because I meet some ‘interesting’ people being I am broadcasted almost daily over open airwaves with the push of nearly 100,000 watts. Sadly, as I result, I end up avoiding some potentially valuable relationships.
However, for the time being, I am going to continue my routine of getting the job done then rewarding myself by making time for myself. And now I have a new incentive to do so being I just got my Marvel and DC Comics encyclopedias from Amazon.com on Friday. There’s a reason they put a big smile on their boxes! And they should keep me preoccupied until something else comes along!
August 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I can sympathize with you a lot on this. I am also very open. Even if I don’t know someone, I’ll share my entire life with them. All my life I tried to make friends but seemed to fail quite a bit. Maybe I was too outgoing or too open about things. I don’t know. But I ended up making about 5 good friends in the span of 23 years. One I’ve had for 16 years and she is now basically the only one I keep in contact with. The happiness thing is something I struggle with as well. I have a great husband, yet I keep making “mistakes”. My friend told me I have “daddy” syndrome or something like that. I cut my dad out of my life about 10 years ago so she says I’m screwed up with men because of that. She thinks without a stable family life things can end up out of control. I don’t know if she’s right. Perhaps it’s the way my mom began to treat me after she made friends with Mr. Coors Light. I know I don’t need approval. I have a man who loves me and that should be approval enough. I always tell myself “You only live once so you might as well have fun” but I think that’s an excuse, yet I can’t stop doing what I do. I think we have to evaluate ourselves and come to grips with whatever the hell went wrong in our lives that has caused us to turn out the way we did. That goes for anyone with a problem. Just wanted to give my opinion but this is going on way to long so I’m gonna stop now. I hope things turn around for you. Everyone deserves happiness. Longterm happiness, that is.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I’m usually private on most issues LOL, I emailed this letter to you in MS and I’m happy to post it here too, Hopefully ppl will see and understand just how lonely this so called big DJ life can be. It puts on gaurd and a lot of good ppl miss out on really knowing you and others as well as you guys missing out on good ppl.
zenny wrote:I had this convo with Nine a couple weeks ago, and I said to him that it SUCKS that you guys have to be weary .. of ppl and your job puts you in a place where you meet A LOT of ppl and have to wonder IF their really ok LOL..
It also makes it hard for the ppl who only want to get to know you as a person NOT for your job lol.. to be able to do so…
I figure if you use common sense and listen to ppl, watch ppl ect then you have an idea of whos who and whether their a friend or not…
I wish you wern’t so withdrawn, yet i understand LOL completely!!!!!! persoanlity wise or due partly cuz of your job.
You should know that your a very interesting person and anyone who is a “friend” to you is lucky and blessed. Your funny, smart, into interesting subjs, music and you have a heart man lol ect..
It all works out in the end I reckon!
Just my Opine LOL…
zenny
August 19th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Todd,
I know how you feel dude. I got out of a year long relationship around December/Jan. Shortly after, my friends all got jobs working at night - so in a way, they may-as-well all be married, because we never see each other anymore.
I’m not the most out-going person either, which does not help.
Then, when you do decide, “Hey, I’d like to go out and have some fun”…but everyone’s busy…what do you do? -Do you go do something by yourself, and hope that people will open-up to you. Or go somewhere where people have a similar common interest? It’s not a problem if all you like is that one thing, and going to the same hang-out over and over.
Then you’ve got things working against hanging-out with people:
Rising gas costs, Online games i.e. WOW, People getting tired of the same old routines/hang outs,
Friends disappearing cause they’d rather smoke-up/got married/ or moved,
Lack of funds.
We’ve hung-out dude. There’s nothing wrong with you. You should know that. You’re an awesome dude…and of high caliber than most people I know.
As far as being out-going. Sometimes you just have to make the effort and make yourself get out there (or get cabin fever and go crazy).
In general - People suck.
They’re clique-ish, self-serving, shallow, vain, etc. Don’t give into that. Be above it by being yourself and staying authentic.
If I’ve learned anything it’s; when you’re alone, and all you’ve got is yourself…then that’s the ONLY person that can make you happy.
Don’t feel sorry or sad that there’s noone’s answering the phone. Feel sorry for the poor sap who missed the opportunity to hangout with you.
I know where you’re coming from dude. I had my dose of it earlier this year.
I think, once you set-out, you’ll start getting into the groove of things.
Life is short - might as well enjoy it.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:23 am
todd here is my thoughts
i got really bored…
What is the Vision?
The vision is Jesus: obsessivly, dangerously, Undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an Army.
And they are free from materialism-
they laugh at 9-5 little prisons. They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday and not even know notice.
They know the meaning of the matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, thay belong to the nations, they need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free, yet they are slaves of the hurting and the dying.
What is the Vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the name of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously Pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their satan games
This is an army that would lay down it’s life for the cause. A million times a day it’s soldiers choose to lose that they might one day win the great “Well done” of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don’t need fame from names. instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: COME ON!
And this is the sound of the underground, the whisper of history in the making, foundations shaking, revolutionaries dreaming once again. Mystery is scheming in whispers, conspiracy is breathing, this is the sound of the underground.
And the army is discipl(in)ed- Young people who beat their bodies into submission. Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts ” For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
Sacrife fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners, Martyrs, Who can stop them? Can hormones hold them back? Can failure succed? Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24-7-365
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules, shaking mediocrity from it’s cozy little hide, laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mold them. Holly wood cannot hold them.Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive ( On the inside ) On the outside? They hardly care! They wear clothes like costumes: To communicate and celebrate but never hide.
Would they surrendertheir image or popularity? They would lay down their very lives, swap seats with the man on death row, guilty as hell: A throne for an electric chair.
With Blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses Jesus. (He breathes out, they breath in). Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion wih Jesus.
Their worlds make demons scream in shopping malls. Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdoes! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightend and forgotten with fire in the eyes! They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hound of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily, it will come soon.
How do i know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today. My distant dream is His 3-D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer revokes a thunderous, resounding, bone shaking great, “Amen!” from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself.
And he is the original dreamer. The ultimate winner. Guaranteed
August 20th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I’m not sure whether I should say “Amen!” or call a mental institution! LOL!!!
August 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
LMAO ohhhhhh my thats a mouth full at the pulpit huh? Ill have to re-read it again cuz thats a lot of stuff lol
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:23 am
Hey Todd,
I missed responding in Aug because July and Aug were a blur in which I attemped to find myself. It ended up that I was not lost. Most of us really do know ourselves but we try to be what others want or we dont really accept ourselves so we feel lost.
Meanwhile, I too am a loner person. There are tons of people in my life yet I am only close to a very select few. I often feel lonely in a crowd or left out when included. I have had my bestfriend since I was 7 but we have 5 children between us and someone is always interupting. We may get in one complete sentence if we are lucky. So of course I have found myself pulling away from her too.
I understand where you are coming from with the isolation thing. It is not fullfilling but we can only find our happiness within. That is the one most important lesson I learned from my 2 months “down time”. I am the only one that can make me happy and I am the only one that I can make happy. Now comes the hard part finding what makes me happy and stopping worrying about making others happy. Supposedly when we are truely happy within we will not be lonely. Im thinking I will give this concept a whirl and see what happens lol.
There are some of us out there that people have a difficult time getting to know because we scare them even when we are not Columbine material. Some people are intimidated by honesty, thinking for oneself, and not following the crowd. Personally I like those qualities.
Well good luck with comic books, finding you or what ever. By the way I agree with the person that said if you watch people you will be able to tell who is okay to be around. Sometimes acceptance is the opposite extreme of judging. Watch people and go with your gut. If they seem like an “interesting” person they probably are even if it is not politically correct to say so.